Everything I'm Not
by hxchick
Summary: When Derek acts like a jerk to Garcia, Dave is there to pick up the pieces.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is owned by CBS. I own nothing but my imagination.

Everything I'm Not

**~Wow, three postings from me in 48 hours? That's like seeing...well, some rare animal in the wild. I was actually planning on updating New Year's With a Friend, but this came to me instead (I'll try to update NYWAF later today). Enjoy!**

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David Rossi strode towards Garcia's office with a clear mission in his mind. The Goddamned crime database he used to fact check his books was denying him access and he needed the technical goddess to fix it again. This time, at least, he'd printed out the error message he'd received so he knew that should make the electronic genius happy. As he reached the end of the hallway, he saw that her office door was partially open, so he entered without knocking.

"Garcia, can you help me get into-" That's as far as he got before he realized the voluptuous blonde was silently crying and trying to hide it. "What's wrong, Kitten?" He asked as he set his file down on one of her many desks.

"Agent Rossi, you startled me," she said as she swiped at her face with her hands. After she cleaned her face, she quickly tried turning off the computer monitor in front of her, but Dave had seen what was on it.

"Sorry about that, Garcia, but what's wrong?" He asked again as he came and stood next to her. He gently spun her chair around so she was facing him.

"Nothing's wrong sir. What can I help you with?" She asked with false cheer as she reached for the file.

"Nuh-uh," he said, shaking his head and blocking her hand. "I didn't become profiler extraordinaire for nothing. You're crying, Garcia and that usually signifies a problem. So what is it?"

She sighed, "It's nothing sir, really, I'm just being dumb."

"Garcia, you are one of the smartest and strongest women I know; if you're crying, then it has to be about something, so what gives?" He saw that she wasn't going to answer him, so he decided to pull out the big guns. "Penelope, do I need to get JJ involved?" He knew if anyone could get the woman to talk, it would be her best friend.

"No! I mean, no sir, let's leave JJ out of this," Garcia said, knowing that she could stand up to the profilers and their interrogations, but she would crumble under her best friend's inquisition.

"Then tell me what's wrong so I can fix it," Dave said. "Did it have to do with what was on your computer screen a minute ago?"

Garcia sighed and turned the monitor back on. The screen showed a still shot of Derek and his date for the evening pulled from one of the many security cameras that Garcia had 'unofficial' access to. "Derek really helped me through my breakup with Kevin a few months ago. He brought me dinner many nights, he kept me occupied on the weekends and he kept me grounded when all of you were out of town on cases. During that time, I realized my feelings toward him had changed into something romantic. Now, you know me, I'm not going to just ignore those feelings, so I talked to him about them and I _thought_ he felt the same way towards me, but then I saw him leaving with _her_." Fresh tears streamed down her face and Dave's heart broke for her as he handed her his handkerchief.

"God Garcia, I'm sorry, honey; Derek is an asshole," Dave told her angrily. Derek had made his one ray of sunshine cry and for that, he was going to pay.

Penelope shook her head, "He really isn't, Agent Rossi, I mean look at her! She has a perfect body, great hair and she dresses like she's in a Gap commercial. She's everything I'm not. Who _wouldn't _choose her over me?" She asked.

"Me," Dave replied instantly.

Garcia snorted, "Nice try, sir, but I know what guys like and I'm not it."

"Are you insane?" Dave asked. "What's not to like about you? Yeah, you're not a size two but not every guy is looking for that. Curves on a woman are sexy, not every man wants to date a skeleton."

"Yeah, but-" she tried interrupting, but Rossi wouldn't let her.

"As for her clothes, okay, so she looks like she's out of a Gap ad, but that just means she looks like everyone else. You're unique, Penelope and I love it."

"Really?" She whispered.

"Really," Dave said firmly as he nodded his head. "God, Kitten, don't you know by now that this team would fall apart without you? You're the ray of sunshine in all of our lives. After all of the horrible shit we all see on a regular basis, we all know that we can count on you to bring light back into our worlds. Most of the time you do it with your kind words and joyous actions, but you've cheered me up with your sunny outfits on more than one occasion."

Garcia smiled at that, so Dave kept going. "Derek's date maybe what the fashion magazines consider an 'ideal woman,' but any red blooded, American male would be overjoyed to have you on their arm. Hell Garcia, if you were ten years older and I was ten years younger, I would show you how I got all of the anti-fraternizations rules put into place."

"I would let you," she said with a smile.

"You're a damn sexy woman, Garcia, and you'll meet someone who loves you for you and you shouldn't settle for someone who wants you to deny your true sense of self," Rossi said, nodding his head towards the monitor.

"You're right, Agent Rossi, I deserve better," she said with conviction in her voice. She turned off the monitor and then turned back to the older profiler. "Thank you sir, I really needed to hear all of that tonight."

"Any time, Garcia. Speaking of tonight, do you have plans?"

She shook her head, "Why?" She asked.

"Jimmy and I are meeting up for dinner at a pub in the city; care to join us?" Dave asked, knowing his friend would love the colorful woman.

Penelope grinned, "A priest, a computer geek and an FBI agent all walk into a bar…it sounds like the beginning of a bad joke."

Dave returned her grin, "Trust me, you haven't lived until you've seen a priest get shit-faced and it's my turn to drive tonight." Privately, he hoped Garcia would join his friend in imbibing; he had a hunch that the two of them drunk together would be epically hilarious.

"Let me get everything shut down in here and I'll meet you at the elevators?"

Dave nodded, "Sounds good to me," he said and then turned to leave her lair; his database problems could wait until the next day. As he made his way back to his office, he felt good that he was able to cheer up one of the happiest people he had ever met, but he was also planning to have a long talk with one Derek Morgan first thing in the morning. He was going to learn that _no one_ treated Penelope Garcia the way he did.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is owned by CBS. I own nothing but my imagination.

Everything I'm Not, Chapter 2

**~This story was originally going to be a one-shot, but I had a bunch of requests for a second chapter, so here you go...let me know what you think. This is definitely the last chapter.**

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Monday morning arrived and Dave laid in wait for one Derek Morgan. Knowing the young man usually arrived at around 730am, he got to the BAU by seven and watched out his office windows, just waiting for the cocky Lothario to enter the break room for his morning cup of coffee. As the minutes ticked by, Dave got more and more pissed off when he thought back to the previous Friday night.

As he'd thought, a drunken Penelope Garcia was a comical Penelope Garcia and she'd regaled both himself and Jimmy with various stories about their co-workers at the BAU. Due to her 'unofficial' access to the security cameras, she had dirt on just about everyone who worked in their building.

"You know that bathroom on the third floor that's been 'under construction' for the last six months?" Garcia slurred after her fourth margarita.

"Yeah," Dave said.

"Well let me tell you something, my handsome profiler, it's where everyone in the building goes to get a little something-something with their co-workers, if you know what I mean," the tech said with a wink.

"You mean…" Dave trailed off, wondering how he had gotten so far out of the loop that he didn't know about a secret sex bathroom. Back in the day, he would have been the one to _start_ something like that!

Garcia nodded knowingly, "Uh huh. You know those episodes of Dateline NBC where they go into hotel rooms with the black light? I'm fairly certain you would be able to perform surgery by the glow that bathroom would give off, not that you'd want to go in there voluntarily for something like that. I'm pretty sure I could get pregnant just by sitting down on the toilet seat."

It was at this point that Garcia remembered she was in the company of a priest, but Jimmy was just as inebriated as she was, so she didn't have anything to worry about.

"In fact, just the other day I saw our illustrious unit chief go into that particular restroom with one Emily Prentiss," she said as she ordered yet another margarita. Dave, who had been taking a drink of his soda, shot most of it out of his nose in surprise.

"Hotch and Emily? Where the hell have I been when this has been going on?" Dave wondered out loud as he wiped up his mess.

"Oh pooh, you've been too busy ogling the new consultant in counter-terrorism. I gotta say, Agent Rossi, you have class. Instead of taking her to the bathroom to get your freak on, you take her to the storage closet. Very old school," Penelope said with a grin.

Christ, why wasn't this woman a profiler? Why didn't they take her along on more cases with them? It was obvious that nothing got by her, so why in the hell did they keep her locked away in her windowless cave of an office?

"Remind me never to get on your bad side, Garcia," Dave said with a grin.

The sight of Derek Morgan entering the break room pulled Dave from his reverie. Getting up from his comfortable, leather office chair, he exited his office, strode quickly towards the break area and then shoved Derek from behind as he entered the room.

"Owww!" The younger profiler exclaimed as hot coffee splashed over the rim of his mug and scalded his fingers. He turned around to see who in the hell it was who had pushed him and he came face to face with an angry David Rossi.

"Fuck, Rossi! What in the hell is your problem, man?" He asked as he set his coffee down on the table and moved to the sink to run cold water over his burned hand.

"_You're_ my problem, Morgan. What exactly is wrong with you? Why in the hell can't you commit to a woman?"

"Hello?" Derek said angrily. "If that isn't the pot calling the kettle black, I don't know what is!"

"Yeah, asshole; do you really want to be me when you grow up?" Dave snarled. "Three failed marriages and a bunch of one night stands. Sure, it's fun to have a different escort on my arm every weekend and hell, the reputation I have doesn't hurt me, but there are nights when I would love to go home and have someone waiting for me…someone I'm comfortable with, someone who loves me for me and you, you moron, could have that in a heartbeat!"

"Rossi, I have no earthly idea what in the fuck you're talking about, but seven-thirty in the morning is waaaayyy too early for a conversation like this, so if you're done maiming me, I'll be going to my desk." Derek took exactly one step towards the door before Rossi blocked him.

"Penelope," he said. "I'm talking about Penelope."

"Garcia? What's wrong with Baby Girl?" Derek asked.

Dave wanted to bang the Casanova's head against the wall; for such a brilliant profiler, the younger man was about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. "She loves you, dipshit! You could have the happily ever after with her if you would just take your head out of your ass long enough to give her a chance!"

Derek looked at him dumbly and Rossi finally had enough. "You know what Derek? Do what you want, you will any way. All I know is that Penelope Garcia is one of the nicest, sexiest and classiest women I know and if you have a bunch of shallow reasons for not wanting her, then fine, but you'll be missing out on something wonderful."

Dave turned to go back to his office when Morgan's voice stopped him. "I do love her and I _do _want her. Not that it's any of your fucking business, but she and I had this talk a few nights ago and we decided to go for it, we decided that we would try a relationship and see where it takes us."

"Then why were you out with that other woman Friday night?" Dave asked as he turned back around to face the younger man again. "Are you two-timing her already?"

"A, I've _never_ two-timed any woman; I'm not a cheater and B, what in the hell are you talking about?"

"Friday night," Dave said slowly, as though he were talking to a three-year old. "Garcia was watching the security cameras and she saw you leaving with some hot, young woman and she assumed that you didn't want to be with someone as voluptuous and flamboyant as her."

"Fuck," Derek breathed. "It's _because_ she's curvy and flashy that I _want_ to be with her."

"Okay," Dave said. "Then who's the woman you left with?"

"That was my cousin; she's a lawyer and she was in town for some boring legal conference. She surprised me by showing up here and dragging me off to dinner."

"Why didn't you let Garcia know?"

"Because she was staying late to re-calibrate all of her technological thingamajigs and I didn't want to disturb her." Another thought dawned on Derek, "Shit, is that why she wasn't answering my calls this weekend?"

"Give the man a cigar," Dave muttered. "Shit Derek, I believe you, but it's going to take an awful lot of groveling and maybe a trip to the third floor bathroom to get Penelope to forgive you because let me tell you, that woman is _pissed_ and a pissed off Garcia is a vengeful Garcia, you catch my drift?"

"Everything except the third floor bathroom," Derek told him with a confused look on his face.

Dave grinned, "I'll let your girlfriend explain that one but seriously, you're going to want to go in there with a peace offering."

Derek nodded, "Cover for me with Hotch while I run out and get her some flowers?"

"Sure thing and Derek? If you break her heart, you'll end up with worse than a couple of burned fingers. Capice?"

Derek swallowed hard, "Got it Dave, and thanks," he said before he dashed off towards the elevators.

Dave walked back to his office a happier man; he had confidence that Derek would fix things between him and Garcia and if he didn't, Dave knew that anything Garcia would do to him electronically would be better than anything he could do physically.

**The End**


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